Who'd be a Riding Instructor?
by EtincelleD'OR
Summary: Lenobia: "The fact that Professor Blake would go to bed with the kitchen-sink if it put on a tutu, simply reassures my conviction that if you gave Mr. Reaves a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
1. Chapter 3

**A few quotes and quips from the Professor of Equestrian Studies, Lenobia. Bear in mind that she hasn't actually said any of this in the series, this is a very sarky but very very funny Lenobia.**

* * *

**Snippets from Lenobia's end of term reports.**

"I would not allow this working-pupil to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there."

"He would be out of his depth in a leaking water trough."

"This working pupil is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Not the sharpest hoofpick in the grooming kit."

"Probably has an IQ of about room temperature."

"As bright as a tackroom in a power-cut."

"Donated his brain to science before he had finished using it."

"Has two brains – one is lost, the other is out looking for it."

"One dandy-brush short of a grooming-kit."

"The horses would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"His brain, is like the four-headed man-eating fish beast of Aberdeen. It doesn't exist."

* * *

**Random comments:**

"I like you. You remind me of when I couldn't do half-pass either."

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in my manege."

"This isn't a manege, it's Hell with sand on the floor!!!!"

"Not all stallions are annoying. Some are dead..."

"I'm trying to imagine you can ride..."

"I would explain the movement to you, but I fear your brain may explode."

_(To Neferet)_ "Would you like to give your lecture now, or shall we let the audience enjoy themselves for a few more minutes?"

"Haven't you just always wanted to ride around in circles and be shouted at?"

"There is only one way to make a small fortune out of horses. By starting with a large one."

"I'm still out here because I wanted to find a place that Loren wouldn't go."

"Heil Totilas!"

"The Americans will make it into a film, called, the Jump that Saved the World."

"If I had a deathwish, I certainly wouldn't waste it on you."

"I won't have sissies in my yard!!!!!!"

Loren: "Don't you like me?"

Lenobia: "I only like people who are of use to me, and let's face it Loren, you're about as useful as a cat-flap in an Elephant-House."

"Mr. Halligan, stop masticating."

"Es gibt ein Loren in meiner Reithalle. Reit ihn uber, Kinder!!!"

_(When a pupil says that Loren was interested in her) _"The fact that Professor Blake would go to bed with the kitchen-sink if it put on a tutu, simply reassures my conviction that if you gave Mr. Reaves a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"I could have eaten that horse and crapped out a better half-pass."

"Never hit Dragon with a foil... Hit him with a baseball bat."

_(When a pupil asks if they will be able to race their old horse.) _"I expect so. And you'll probably win."

"I think I'd be breaking the rules if I told you where the next fence is."

Neferet: She was a responsible pupil.

Lenobia: In the time she was here, seven horses got colic, fourteen had thrush, the tackroom was ransacked, rats got into the feed stores and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. And in each case, she was 'responsible'."

_(singing)_

"Neigh neigh racehorse,

Have you got a brain?

No sir, no sir,

Just a fancy name.

I spook for the master,

I spook for the dame,

I spook at nearly everything I see down the lane."

_(when asked by a pupil why the cow had no horns)_ "Well my dear, the reason why this cow has no horns is because it's a New Forest pony."

"The horse does not care if your hair and make-up are not done, Miss LaFont."

"You got me out of the shower to tell me _that_???"


	2. More Lenobia quotes

_**Who'd be a Riding Instructor?**_

**Me: Here's some more!!! This was co-written with Tsuki-Himitsu (lol tell me if I spelled that wrong...) and I take my Pikeur top hat off to her!**

"The bell's gone, the judges are waiting, but you're still girthing up aren't you?"

"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

"I've seen fighter jets in a better outline than that."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!"

"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Lenobia: "Dalli-dalli!!!"

Pupils: "What?"

Lenobia: "Translates from German as '_get a move on you lazy bastards_!'"

"Keep the horseshit in the stable, keep the bullshit up Loren's arse."

"You just had to fall off at the water-jump, didn't you?"

"This isn't a manège, it's Hell with sand on the floor!!!"

"Good thing it has a mane, tail and little ears, otherwise it might be mistaken for a baby elephant."

Lenobia: "I would like to breed your stud."

Anastasia: "I'm sorry, he's booked all season."

Dragon: 0_0*

Lenobia: "This has been a _brilliant_ use of my time Loren thank you."

Loren: "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Lenobia."

Lenobia: "And if wit were shit Loren, You would be full of it."

"'_Ill-mannered?'_ It hasn't bitten or kicked anyone for at least a week!"

"Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges. Eventually, you find a farrier who isn't late."

"If at first you don't succeed, see how far down the placings the rosettes go."

"Alright imagine this. God and the Devil want to have a dressage competition to determine which is better. God points out that Heaven has all the best horses, so they are bound to win. The Devil disagrees. You see, Hell has all the judges."

"There isn't one vet in the county that will give _you _time of day."

"He's never kicked anyone else, you must have upset him."

Anastasia: "Should I get a horse for my husband?"

Lenobia: "It would be a good swap."

Pupil: "I have a photographic memory."

Lenobia: "Your lens cap's stuck on."

"There is no such thing as a sterile stable cat."

"Hilarious."

"That horse can muck out its stable quicker than you can."

"These kids can barely present themselves properly, let alone a horse."

"This is not a situation where you can beat a German."

"Well why do you think there's a yard of yarn attached to the thermometer?"

"When I say jump, you ask how high. Literally."

"Aphrodite we all know why you wear hooped earrings, and it's not to look good, it's a nice place for your ankles."

"The horse doesn't care if you are straight, the horse doesn't care if you are gay. The horse DOES care if you are so desperate you have turned into a Zoophiliac Elliot."

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."

"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."

"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Anastasia: They worship the ground he walks on the slimy git!

Lenobia: Whereas we worship the ground he walks away from.

Dragon: "Do you know how to use that thing?"

Lenobia _(holding a foil)_: "Yeah, the pointy end goes in the other guy... Preferably as far up his arse as you can shove it."

_Later..._

Lenobia: "Do you know how to use that thing?"

Dragon _(on horse)_: "Yeah. The pointy end goes in the other guy. Preferably as far up his arse as you can shove it."

Lenobia _(raises eyebrow)_: "You know, that was almost funny."

Lenobia _(singing)_: "Herzlich willkommen, herzlich willkommen, in unserem schönen, neuen Hof! The House's bank account will never see this coming."

"A horse, never makes mistakes about consumption, unless it is for tax purposes."

"I don't get paid enough for this."


	3. Even more Lenobia quotes

_Who'd be a Riding Instructor_

* * *

**Back by popular demand.**

* * *

"Does it help that our entire team are bloody Germans? The answer: probably, but we don't admit it to them."

"This looks like it would go well with the Hamster Dance."

"Oh joy."

"And the fence is broken again!"

"It's not my fault the horse is a lunatic, next time get on something you can ride one side of!"

"This is what happens to baby warmbloods on their millionth outings."

"Ooh, let's all do the Macarena!"

"Looks like the start of World War Three, only this time the Dutch are actually doing something."

"You think this is easy? There is a reason the greatest horse in the world is called Totilas."

"Bloody eventers."

"As I sit here and ponder my life, I wonder, am I an idiot-magnet?"

"Now as I understood it, it was only against the rules for the _pupils _to have pictures of Neferet sellotaped to dartboards."

"Did you know that dressage riders can use their personalities as contraceptives?"

"Well I've tried that and it doesn't work."

"_Get that horse off the carpet!_"

"Back in line!"

"No, no I don't cry, I don't even have tearducts."

"Pride comes before a fall. Usually at the water combination."

"Well he clearly fell out of the gay tree and hit every gay branch on the way down."

Dragon: "Neferet's not going to win is she?"

Lenobia: "No, you see firstly we will be fighting this war on issues, not personalities, second we shall be the only fresh thing on the menu, and, thirdly of course, we'll cheat."

"Amazing how one slip-up can put me in a good mood for the rest of the day."

"So tell me, did you cycle here without stabilisers?"

Zoey: "It's for my S&R project! I have finally succeeded in creating pure gold!"

Lenobia: "... Zoey, it's green."

Zoey: "Yeah."

Lenobia: "Not that I want to be pedantic or anything but the colour of gold, is gold, that's why it's called gold."

"We have a very high turnover of staff here, I've managed to lose five working pupils in the last nine months. Very careless of me... I'm sure they'll turn up..."

"The Netherlands was always fantastic for horses. It was there I had my first pizza. Other things too of course, but it's the pizza that really stands out."

Lenobia: "So how are you going to win your bet then?"

Aphrodite: "As always Lenobia, with the use of the very large thing between my ears."

Lenobia: "Oh, your nose?"

"It's French!"

"You're making the Third Formers cry."

"Beginners have to wear body-protectors in my classes. That's mostly because I like to hit them if they don't sit properly."

"That's not a horse that's an orange freight train!"

"You've gotta love him. Because if you didn't, you'd strangle him."

"Sit on your arse not your balls."

"Smithers, release the pony."

"Walking vets bill."

_Horse appears over stable door. _"Look out it's behind you..."

"Where did I leave my chainsaw?"

"How many horses does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"Cure your horse of constipation – load him into a freshly mucked-out lorry."

"Hoofpicks always grow legs and run away."

"The degree of your horse's misbehaviour is directly proportional to the number of people watching."

"_Bog Spavin: _the feeling of panic when riding through marshy areas. Also refers to horses that throw a wobbly when asked to walk through a small puddle."

"_Withers:_ The reason you rarely see a man riding bareback."

"You did not 'fall off'; you threw yourself at the ground!"

"Sedate, twitch and sedate some more!"


	4. You get the idea

_Who'd be a Riding Instructor?_

* * *

"Lost: one sense of humility, not seen or used for many years, possibly starving and roaming the south block dorm. If found do not approach, but contact Aphrodite LaFont, VI Form."

"Dressage-judging is like sex, it all depends on what your position is and what is satisfactory to one person is not necessarily satisfactory to another."

"Just give me a minute while I fall off my horse laughing."

"Fetch me my piaffe whip."

"Because I told you to that's why!"

"It's odd that they call it 'can-ter', because if you fall off in it there's really nothing I _can_ do about it."

"A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

"Ooh Lordy!"

"_You let go of it what do you mean you let go of it?_"

"Well that was disappointing."

"So help me God..."

"Or Nyx..."

"Whoever's listening really, I'm not fussy."

"Aaand the 2012 stud season is officially underway."

"I haven't got enough dirty stables for the number of detentions I give!"

"I think this is a new record."

"Holy shit dude."

"PMS : Pissy Mare Syndrome."

"And this horse attempts suicide for the seventh time this week."

"If you don't want to listen to me during my lessons well fair enough, but let me tell you one thing my boy, if you get this wrong you will end up with a testicular torsion."

"And it won't be from me."

"Pity nobody whisps anymore, I could think of a really good reason for one right now."

"Bloody showjumpers..."

"Praise Nyx for the miracle that is the horsewalker."

"If you tell an eventer to kick it, they kick it. If you tell a dressage rider to kick it, they want to know where, when, how and at what trajectory angle."

_Vet is trying to take a blood sample. _"Five quid says the horse draws first blood."

"Ouch."

"Vets get cheap health insurance don't they?"

"I suddenly have an inexplicable hate for the British..."

"British Warmblood my arse."

"I mean this is political correctness gone mad!"

"First they steal our riders and pass them off as their own, well they've always stolen our horses but to take the credit?"

"Haha don't worry my dear, the horses with _pairs _of feet stay on the continent."

"Fucking hilarious."

"This kind of fence is called a rider-frightener. Kick on and you'll sail right over it."

"Well I never said the horse would sail right over it..."

"That ditch is bigger than me..."

"Walk it off dear."

"If at first you don't succeed, take up pole-dancing."

"Pays better than this dump at any rate."

"What do you mean '_it bucked you off'_?"

"With your reputation you should be able to sit to anything..."

"I haven't got all day to watch you get this wrong you know."

"I've barely got the time to watch you do this right."

"But hey I've only been a horsewoman for ninety odd years so what do I know?"

"Has anyone seen my baseball bat?"

"It's just that I'm worried if someone doesn't knock some sense into you sometime soon your stupidity will become clinical."

"I'm fairly sure that horse has a higher IQ than you."

"And that's putting it lightly."

"Why do I bother?"

"_God_ I don't know!"

"Detention. Detention. Detention. You're cool. Detention. I'm out."


End file.
